Accepting the NOW

5 years ago I would have never dreamed of having my own horse. But fact is that I am having the most wonderful horse NOW.

A year ago, I would have never dreamed of having a horse that I don’t ride. Riding was the reason to buy a horse in first place. But fact is that I have a young and healthy horse and I don’t ride her NOW.

I have a lot of dreams, but the difference is that they don’t feel like dreams anymore, they are so alive actually that in my imagination they are already real. But fact is however, that right NOW they have not manifested, yet.

The shift that took place with Ari, away from classical training and the need to ride, brought big changes in my personal life. Self-reflection is definitely one of the key words that Ari is teaching me every day.

I have already NOW a wonderful relationship with Ari, based on trust, mutual respect and friendship. Again, something I would have never dreamt of but is reality NOW.

I would love to spend much more time with her and build a deeper connection, but fact is that I am working 100% at the moment, which also means, my time with her is limited. Another fact is that I am not the one who is taking care of her. Yes, I am and I am not. Because I am not the one feeding her every day, I am not the one cleaning her stall every day and I am also not the one having absolutely no expectations of her, yet. Yes, I don’t train nor ride her, but another fact is that I am still the one who is responsible to give her some additional movement.

In summer our connection was deeper and things seemed easier. I was able to spend much more hours with her, because the days are longer. The winter period is a bit more difficult because the days are so short and my time with Ari is even more limited. It’s not particularly nice to walk alone in the dark woods at night, although we do it occasionally. I have to make the decisions often myself and sometimes I also have to convince her to go on a walk or a run. Especially in winter I am responsible that she moves, since there are periods where the herd mainly spends time in the paddock due to the weather, although they can any time walk to their pasture.

These are a lot of facts in my life right NOW, and not so long ago, these facts were really bothering me and it was difficult for me to accept what is. A reason why it was hard to accept? Because it was painful when my horse did not want to spend time with me and walked away from me.

I have blaimed the outer circumstances but ignored an important fact. Self-reflection! Why is Ari walking away from me sometimes? Why is building a connection very hard sometimes? What did I miss? What is going on in my life?

Besides the above mentioned outer circumstances, which also have an impact, I once again, forgot to look for and find the answer within myself.

Self-reflection can be very painful and is difficult to understand. There are parts of ourselves that are very well hidden. We ourselves built a protection mechanism, in order to protect us from painful experiences. A lot of patterns we have created through the parenting of our parents. Other patterns have been there since our birth. Patterns that we took over from our parents, which our parents took over from their parents and so on.

Fear of intimacy and closeness in relationships is one of my big topics I am working on NOW. I am not going into details about it. But, it’s an issue in my relationships with humans, and it definitely is an issue in my relationship with Ari.

It took some time to realize, that in the moments when she is walking away from me, and clearly tells me that she does not want to spend time with me, she is mirroring back my emotions. She is mirroring my fear of a close relationship with her, in fact with anyone and ultimately with myself. Outsch! This hurts…at first!

But then it brings claritiy. It is something arising from within and it is something that I have to release from within. I am the only one who can heal these wounds. No outer influence, no human nor animal will be able to do it for me. They can definitely help us and guide us in the right direction, but the work has to be done by us.

Once I fully accepted this fact about myself, things immediately started to change. Not so much the outer circumstances, but my inner world. There is a part within me that all of sudden got looked at and paid attention too and got accepted. All of sudden there is space and room for this part to get out, without fearing a negative emotion. New energy starts to flow, and hence new paths are being offered to me.

Everything happens for a reason. And everything happens for me and not against me. When I truly accept the NOW, especially when things are really difficult, it makes it much easier to deal with. And it doesn’t mean that my dreams will never be as imagined. On contrary, I believe when I accept what is right NOW, all inner circumstances which are mirroring my outer circumstances, I make space for the new and the outer circumanstances manifest accordingly much faster.

It’s ok if things are not always easy with Ari at times. It’s ok if can’t find a connection with her at times. It’s ok if I sometimes feel sad, angry or lonely when I am with her. Things are as they are, and actually they are perfectly fine the way they are NOW. Being patient and trusting that life will bring me exactly the experiences needed in every moment. And all the nice and not so nice experiences are part of it.

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I stopped making long-term plans, in the end everything happens as it happens, usually not as I expected. But my dreams I keep very much alive. Until I can say again: I would have never dreamed of 🙂 I am looking forward to my future, the time that I will spend with Ari and the time I will not spend with Ari. I look forward to  this year, next month and I look forward to tomorrow. But NOW is NOW…and I am looking forward to NOW too 🙂

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