Since I started to consciously work on myself, about 4 years ago, my life has become a roller coaster of feelings, emotions and thoughts.
I remember everything started with having my first healing session. It was late summer in 2011 when I moved to Athens. I finally wanted to take my long-distance relationship to the next level. I left Switzerland for good, at least this is what I thought. I left my family, friends, job, sold all my household goods and officially de-registered from the country I grew up. I left behind my so well organised life…
That was also the time when the crises hit Greece for the first time. And my very own personal crises hit me too, to the fullest. It’s not that I had been happy really. I had the same job for over 8 years at a big corporate company, I used to hang out with the same friends, I was in and out of relationships, I had my family issues, I was partying a lot, I had my own apartment and I had a lot of money that I spent on things I did not need. I don’t want to know how much money I spent on shoes only! I thought I was an independent woman. Thinking back I had the life of a brainwashed human, completely cut off my inner being. Trying to please everyone and living to their expectations, completely shut down from my well-being, my dreams, desires and wishes. I wasn’t an independent woman, I was a scared little girl with no confidence and a very low self esteem. I wanted to be perfect and wanted everyone to like me, whereas I didn’t like myself much. I always thought this is how it’s supposed to be.
All of sudden I was in an unstable country where I hardly spoke the language, where I didn’t had a job, where I was living in a stranger’s apartment and where I was dependent on the help of others, or in my case the help and support of my ex boyfriend. This was all new to me and a very dark cloud came over me, only negative thoughts started to drop down. I felt like I was drowning, I was a complete mess…not knowing how to deal with all the time I suddenly had and all these dark thoughts.
Thank good my ex pushed me so hard to start a language school in the centre of Athens shortly after I arrived. He had his own business and was working a lot, also on weekends. So at least there was something that distracted me for a short time from my negative thoughts about everything, about the misery I thought I am in.
We were about 6 people in our class and our very great, open minded teacher. This is where I met my healer and later on she became my very best friend. I remember how I judged her from the minute I saw her. This blonde, thin, tall girl who always had a smile on her face and seemed so incredibly happy. I thought she’s some kind of a hippie “green” girl, who only eats salad, without dressing of course. The other guys were french bankers, who came to work to Athens for a certain period of time…bankers…yeah well, the choice was pretty easy and I stuck to the weird blonde girl.
She asked me a couple of times to join a yoga class that she was attending and I always found an excuse to not go. Well, I was very busy, right. In fact my fear kept me from not going because all my negativity kept spinning in my head. New things just scared the shit out of me. Even going to class was hard in the beginning. After a couple of lessons she suggested to go for a glass of wine after school. Hell yes, of course I was in 🙂 This was not new to me at all. Drinking away my problems was a common hobby I had. We went to a fancy restaurant, sitting at the roof top with the most beautiful view of Akropolis. We were talking for hours and for the very first time I was in Athens I felt really good. I felt a connection to her, a feeling I did not have for a long time. All my judgment about her turned out to be completely wrong, well ok not all of it. She told me about her work, energy healing. It wasn’t the first time that I heard about it. Even back in Switzerland I had a couple of healing sessions, but they happened unconsciously, they were probably a start of what would follow. She invited me to have such a healing. And of course after having some wine I agreed.
I remember it so vivid, like it was yesterday. I was very nervous, I didn’t know what to expect. And I was very sceptical, I did see a psychiatrist for a short period of time in my early 20’s in Switzerland, but that was just a complete disaster, so of course I had my preconceptions. I never thought that this very moment is going to change my life forever. I went to her practice which was very cosy decorated and I immediately felt comfortable. We sat in these cosy chairs and talked for a while about what’s going on in my life. We talked about my past and very soon it became very emotional. After some time, while still talking I felt a kind of dizziness, but in a very good way. Back then I did not know what was happening, but my consciousness was expanding. I remember when I was a kid I used to have these moments too and they were always very precious and special to me, but growing older they disappeared and I forgot about them. However, the room all of sudden became very blurry and liquid. Everything felt upside down, there was no clear structure of anything. It felt like I was floating in the air, while talking about some really serious stuff.
The session continued while I was lying down on the massage bed and she worked on my body with laying on of hands. What then happened is not easy to explain and it still amazes me when I think about it. Probably it was the most amazing experience I ever had. My body was so relaxed, in fact it was asleep, I didn’t feel it and at the same time I was fully conscious. I was awake while asleep.
All of a sudden I heard someone opening the door, entering the room and walking towards me. My eyes were closed all the time, and although I knew I could open them and check if there really was someone else in the room, I didn’t wanted too. I felt very comfortable and I did not want to leave this place I was in. I felt this presence coming closer and I could see it with my closed eyes. It was a human shaped body, with no face, just black, tall and dark. It somehow looked like a demon. Very gently this presence started to work together with my healer on my body. And just for the record, I was not on any kind of drugs. I know it sounds crazy and I guess a lot of people will say: this girl needs some serious help and probably medication. It’s our human mind that just resists everything that we can’t explain, everything unknown, everything that doesn’t seem real but very scary. It’s also our society which doesn’t allow this way of thinking because it doesn’t seem to make sense and is unexplainable and should be treated with pills to suppress all these things that might come to the light. Of course, our economy works like that. Do you think that all the psychiatrists and pharmaceutical companies would still exist if people are told that they are not crazy and sick and that they could be treated and helped with in a different way. Well of course not, there is not much money making in this scenario. I highly recommend this documentary which explains very well how psychiatrists and the pharmaceutical companies work together and how an immense amount of money is generated and we humans are paying the price for it: Making a Killing
Pablo Picasso said: “Everything that you imagine is real”. So, maybe it was just my imagination, even if it was, it was real for me. My perception of it was reality.
However, that demon was and still is me, all my internal struggle, all my negativity manifested in that very moment, and the beautiful thing is that it wasn’t scary at all. It showed up in a way, for me to be able to accept my dark side, to accept my negativity and to accept things as they were right then, but also to tell me that there is something going on that I should really pay attention to and not suppress it anymore. And that the dark, painful things in the end do not want to hurt me as long as I accept them. They show up to help me find my way back to the light. For the first time I did accept this darkness, I finally didn’t fight it anymore. After my healer very slowly started to bring me back, the demon disappeared. I was laying there for a while before I opened my eyes, my body slowly awoke and I felt like I was newborn. I felt like I was a few pounds lighter, it seemed like a big pile of shit just fell off me. I did have to ask her if someone came to the room because my mind somehow just couldn’t believe what just happened. She confirmed that there was no one in the room. She even showed me that the door was locked and then explained to me what had happened….
For the rest of the evening I felt so light, there was all off a sudden this present moment with no worries, with just the moment as it is, no thought, just being, it felt so peaceful. Well, not forever, the thoughts came back of course. It took me a great amount of time to digest what had happened. A shift in consciousness took place, and my logical thinking human mind just wasn’t that fast nor prepared.
This healing session was just the beginning of finally opening up to my inner being, finally starting to heal my past traumas and wounds that have accumulated since childhood and that I carried with me ever since. Starting to dig deeper and deeper, to get rid of all these defensive layers that I built around the core of my being and that have blocked my natural flow of energy. This was the beginning of a great journey, which still lasts and will last for the rest of this lifetime.
Thank you Beva for helping me opening this doorway of light!